Outside of San Francisco, long before Nancy Pelosi and her liberal friends could create a safety net for those who lack self-sufficiency skills, a poor woodcutter lived with his wife and his two children, Hansel and Gretel. You know the story, hard times hit the forest and the woodcutter could no longer provide for his second wife and kids. (The fractured family has long been a staple in liberal stories).
The woodcutter's (pro-abortion) second wife had the answer to their problems and together they schemed to take the children out into the forest and leave them.
The woodcutter hesitated knowing that the kids would likely starve or be torn apart by wild animals, but he eventually consented to the femi-nazi second wife. (Are you thinking what I am thinking, wild animals, BBQ. Were they vegetarians or PETA members?)
The two children heard their step-mother’s plans. (Where was the ACLU to protect the parents from this legal wiretapping). When the old folks were asleep, Hansel crept outside and stuffed his pockets with white pebbles. (Self reliance a small redeeming factor to the story)
The parents followed through on the plan, but Hansel foiled the plan by dropping the white pebbles to mark the way back home. The resourceful children returned home unscathed.
This did not sit well with the wife and she again convinced the husband that banishing the kids to the forest was the only alternative. (Adoption is never an alternative for these liberals.) That night they devised a plan to take the kids even deeper into the forest the next day.
The children again heard the conversation and Hansel planned to once again get pebbles to mark the path. Unfortunately, on that very night the step-mother locked them in their room. Hansel instead planned to crumbled his meager piece of bread and use the crumbs to mark the path. This plan backfired when the birds, that the woodcutter would not hunt, ate the breadcrumbs.
The kids became hopelessly lost. Luckily, they happened upon a house made of gingerbread and windows made of clear sugar. The kids broke pieces of bread and sugar off the house. (This is the part of the story where we teach our kids that it is ok to steal and vandalize).
Then the kids heard a soft voice cried from inside the house, “Who's eating at my house?" The children answered: "The wind, the wind" (While we are at it, let’s teach our kids to lie. I guess the apple didn't fall far from the woodcutter’s tree.)
The soft voice belonged to a half blind old women who pretended (more lying) to be kind and invited them into the house. (I concede that this teaches kids not to take candy from strangers, but there are better ways to do that.) Once the kids fell into the trap, the old women imprisoned the boy and made a slave out of the girl. FOr weeks, the wicked witch made Gretel fetch food and cook meals to fatten up her brother.
Each day, the blind witch tried to determine Hansel’s weight by checking how fat his fingers were. (Go to JefferyDahmerRecipes.com) For weeks Hansel fooled the blind witch by offering her a skinny chicken bone instead of his finger. She eventually became impatient and decided it was time for the feast whether Hensel was plump or not. (A nice lesson on quitting before you reach your goal).
She then asked Gretel to light the oven. Gretel pretended to have trouble. (More lying.) The witch grew frustrated and pushed Gretel to the side to show her how to light it. Gretel then pushed the old witch into the oven where she met her demise in a horribly cruel death. (Let’s add murder to the list of offenses. OK this murder was justifiable but do we really need to read this to a 6 year old, even if it is a good introduction to the death penalty)
Gretel, released Hansel and after much rejoicing they went into the witch's house, where they found chests full of jewels. These little criminals, of course, filled their pockets with jewels. (A nice subtle lesson on redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor).
The kids eventually found their way home where their happy father greeted them. Instead of getting good ol’ dad indicted for child endangerment and attempted murder, they lavished him with jewels. (Hey why not give him a book deal and a TV show called If I really did try to abandon my kids)
While the kids were out in the forest surviving, dad gets a lawyer and divorces the step-mother. (Hey why not end the story with a reminder that divorce is a great solution to problems.) Let’s hope this woodcutter goes to eharmony.com to find his third wife.
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